Why Systemic Racism in the Police Department is a call to focus on Black Families

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

Crewof42.com

As people of color in this country it is really time for us to construct an organized national agenda.  The deaths of Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Sean Bell and other black males by the hands of police officers coming to the light, it appears that the national agenda might be systemic racism within the police department towards black males in particular.   I don’t think this should be our national agenda. 

I’m pushing for getting the Black Family together and here’s why.  I was shocked when I heard that half a million dollars was raised in a crowd funding campaign for Officer Darren Wilson.  Now that is organization and a community coming together to protect and support one of its own.  Strong families are the premise of strong communities.  Where is the Black community’s organized initiative to support the Brown Family, the Martin Family, and the Garner etc.? What's the strategy to push our national cause to Congress? 

We always look to see what Reverend Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson is going to do while the youth, myself included,  take to social media, which really produces no results.

I was listening to Troi “Star” Torain’s show “Stop the Police” a few days ago and he factually stated that there is no “Black Community”.  “If we do not own the local bank, credit union or supermarket in the neighborhood, we just live there.”  I wish we would really get this.  I think this is why the police and other institutions feel they can treat us the way they do.

I look at all of the young men protesting in Ferguson and I can’t help but feel like their fathers should be guiding them on more effective ways to deal with how they are treated by the police and their overall feelings of disenfranchisement in American society.  But most of these young men most likely don’t have their fathers in their lives, which continue a pattern of instability, misplaced anger, and lack of guidance.  This is why stores and churches, some black owned, are being destroyed in Ferguson.  We have to understand that we are going back to these same communities to live.  

I am not trying to steer attention away from the many black males that are killed or mistreated by the police but I am merely saying that the Black community in America has a lot of other problems to honestly face.  This is the time to tackle all aggressively! I definitely believe that Hip Hop music needs a total lyrical overhaul.  Many artists out now like Rick Ross, Lil Wayne and Nikki Minaj lyrics do nothing to motivate our people to be modern day freedom fighters and innovators.

Looting, social media, and protesting is not the way to enact change!  We've done this many times before.  It's not working for us.  I am totally a grassroots philosopher starting with family structure. I believe black mothers and fathers together in stable households must raise our young men and women to be positive leaders and upstanding citizens.  My documentary "On My Own" made me realize that fathers and traditional families are so important to our community's future and our movement to attain equal human rights in America.

Why Step Fathers Must Bond with their Step Sons

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

www.mafaro.co.uk

A colleague of mines was telling me about his 15 year old nephew who now lives in a group home.  He told me that his nephew’s father isn’t around but his sister did remarry years ago and has since given birth to two more children.   He told me how his nephew’s stepfather would administer strict and aggressive discipline when he misbehaved but failed to spend time with him to develop a loving relationship. 

Then my colleague gave his own assessment of his sister’s current family dynamic.  He said to me, “I told my sister when my nephew was younger to make sure that her husband was bonding with his stepson to establish a genuine relationship between the two.  She didn’t make sure it happened.”

Lately I have been hearing a lot of stories of boys still rebelling in their households even if there is a father figure there. What I am specifically addressing is boys who grow up in homes where there mother has remarried.  What then happens is a battle between a grown man, and a boy, that believes he is the man of the house, and it’s all-out war.  This leaves the mothers in a comprised position. 

The age of the boy when the stepfather marries their mother is a major factor on how the stepson-stepfather relationship in a lot of instances will blossom.  If the boy is really young and doesn’t really know his father and the step father asserts himself and takes on the role from day one this could fill any psychological abandonment issues or unfamiliarity that the child has.  The step father and mother are the adults in the situation and have to do all they can to ensure that the child feels loved and acknowledged by his new stepfather and also develops the respect for the new “father” figure that is now in the household.  If the boy’s father is co-parenting with the mother, a discussion needs to be had where all three adults establish positions and the real father and mother must let their son know that you have a bonus father that you must respect and listen to also.

I will say this.  Mothers must allow their husbands to parent their sons from previous relationships.  The bigger picture is that boys needs fathers to raise them so the mothers must take a step back if they want their boys to get the full lessons on being disciplined, being effective, and manhood that the stepfather inherits teaching to the boys in the household. 

Stepfathers must also understand that they have a responsibility to step up and raise their stepson putting the same effort as they do with their biological children.  It’s very important that the stepdads of the world know their duty.  A substantial percentage of families are comprised of children from previous relationships.  Since the traditional family is believed to be one of the factors that socialize boys, stepfathers must fully embrace that stepsons despite biologically belonging are their responsibility and fall under their parenting.  Their progress in life falls just as much on them as the biological parents.

Why Boys Need Men in Their Lives to Keep Them in Line

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

The Good Men Project

I have a serious situation going on in my family right now.   One of my nephews is acting out in the worst way.  At first we all attributed it to him being a teenager and his hormones are raging.  We figured it is a teenager’s job to put their parents through hell.   But then my nephew began to get really disrespectful and full of rage.  This of course pushed my sister to point of feeling like he couldn’t live with in her home anymore.

We are close knit family full of women with my mother being the matriarch.  During a trip to the beach recently my nephew, usually a guarded young man, expressed that he feels like part of him is missing since his father isn’t in his life.  He honestly admitted that he knows that this is the cause for most of his behavior.  I explained to him that no matter what he feels about his father’s absence that he should always love his mother because she loves him and provides him all he needs and even sometimes desires.

But there is one thing that is missing and my sister can’t provide it… the discipline, brawn, and effectiveness of a constant male figure in his like.   As women we pretend like we can do it all and be it all but we can’t take away the fact that children respect and even at times fear their fathers or male figures in their lives in a way that we as women don’t evoke.  Maybe it’s our loving and forgiving nature, our nurturing, or just our physical makeup.  Whatever it may be, I’ve seen boys act up with their mothers and straighten up quickly when their father or another male figure in the picture steps in to check them.

This isn’t the first nephew I’ve seen go through this.  Time and time again I have heard stories from friends, colleagues, and church members, all single mothers, expressing the behavioral difficulties of raising their boys.   The commonality is the reality that these boys’ fathers aren’t active in their lives and there isn’t a male figure who has stepped in to fill the void.  The community of earlier times doesn’t exist to help chip in to make sure boys aren’t in the neighborhood getting into trouble.

Today’s young men need constant structure in order to prepare them for tomorrow’s life challenges.  I see this with my nephew who likes to go to bed late at night and then struggles to get out of bed in the morning for school or other daily events planned.  If discipline is needed, a boy, is more likely to listen to his father whom he won’t even dare consider being disrespectful to or stepping out of line to.  Boys need visuals.  If they have a direct male figure to use as a model of what being a responsible man is, it teaches them in a more effective way than any program could do.

I believe my nephew will be okay because he does have male figures.  He inherited a great uncle and has a great god father in addition to the pool of professional female family members that are helping to structure him and praying for him every day.  My concern is really for the boys out there that don’t have this support.  How to do we reach those?   Do we continue to do all we can to get these fathers back in their sons’ lives, do we continue to tell women to make better choices in men or do we get back to a community mindset?

Whatever should be the plan we have to do it soon because we have a lot of boys stepping out of line and we need the men in our society to pull them back in. 

Why Communities Must Encourage Black Fathers to Commit to Marriage

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

The Good Men Project

As the country gears up to commemorate fatherhood, this representation will mostly be in a traditional family fashion. Though we are living in a society that acknowledges various family structures, it is still conservative in promoting marriage. The commercials that will be airing will present men not only as fathers but husbands also. For the black community honoring its fathers, we should also praise black husbands that have committed legally, and for many, religiously, to the mothers.

In my household I was privileged to experience the importance of marriage through my parents. When I was 11 years old, my parents divorced and my sisters and I never had the same close relationship with my father. Though proximity played a major role in our distance, I believe my father’s commitment to us changed because his commitment to our mother was gone. It’s simple to say fathers should be committed to their children despite the relationship with the mother, but in reality many fathers don’t handle it that way.

According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, married fathers are more likely than unmarried fathers to parent their children. In my feature documentary On My Own, the mothers expressed their belief that the fathers would be parenting their children if they were married to them. It is notable that marriage still offers higher probability of stability than dating and cohabitation.

The community must band together in our advice and message to encourage our young men to be husbands. Marriage makes fatherhood easier when both the mother and father are parenting in the same house. Black fathers gain from the wealth building that the institution of marriage ensures. This is imperative if we desire to decrease the fatherlessness epidemic.

The greatest commitment black fathers can make to their children is showing their commitment to their wives. It is a beautiful display that lets children know that they are an extension of the union. Moving forward, we have to set the tone that this national appreciation day is just as much about marriage as it is about committed fatherhood. In the Black community this is an effective strategy that will help raise young black boys into great men and fathers.

Why Don't we focus our marriage ideologies on Young Black Men?

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

blackbridalbliss.com

From the time I turned 28 the pressure was on for me to find a husband.  People would ask me if I had a boyfriend, and when I would say yes, they would get on me to get that ring.  When I turned 30 and was still single it was a state of emergency for my family and friends.  Many would tell me “get on it soon while you’re still desirable.”  All of these statements started to get to me and it made bitter, anxious and quite frankly depressed at times.  I come from a Guyanese-West African household where marriage was important, even a dysfunctional one. 

I understood how important the institution of marriage is. I always knew that I wanted to be married. I proclaimed that I would be some man’s wife. I got that marriage is important and productive for family structure and wealth building.

The pressure made me aggressively pursue marriage and I realized that I made “being married” to fit in line with people’s opinions more important than who I was looking for to marry.

But there was another aspect to my situation.  I could not force or pay a man to marry me- well maybe, pay, but why should an attractive, independent, good-natured woman have to do so.  I was holding my breath waiting for my future husband and I was able to exhale 3 years ago when I met my husband, the love of my life, my best friend.   I remember a church member telling me “I was lucky to find a husband”; another told me “I beat the statistic.”  These weren’t personal slights against me but it is just the reality of so many women, professional or not, especially in the African American community.

I often wonder why the focus society places on women to marry are not directed towards men.  Women can’t marry if their male counterparts are not willing.  A man can enjoy his single life well into his late thirties and be viewed as a catch.  The community has to place more emphasis on socializing young boys to desire to be husbands and family men.  Music and television often glorifies a man’s singledom.  It’s perpetuated as being cool.  It is not cool to say I desire to be a “husband.”

As parents we have to raise our boys to prepare for marriage. We have to change our mindset to reflect a gender balanced belief on when individuals should be married if we consensually adopt this as a community.  We have to make them understand that women do have a biological clock and work on a different time schedule.  If we focus on commitment with our boys they won’t fear it.  In our households we have to display happy marriages to leave a good impression on our boys.  If we can do this our boys and girls will be on the same page and women won’t be the only ones answering the dreaded questions about getting married.

ON MY OWN Film Premiere Shows a Passion for Repairing the Black Family

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

 

The Black family in America has become a matriarchal structure, and is doomed to stay that way.  So warns Wikipedia, and while not everything Wikipedia says is true, there is more than a modicum of truth in this declaration.  A large proportion of Black mothers and expectant mothers simply accept as fact that they will raise their children alone.  And many Black fathers have sadly been conditioned to believe they are not needed in the home because Black women are strong enough to raise their families by themselves.

During the past decade it has become increasingly clear within the Black community that many of its problems – everything from crime, to substance abuse, to teen pregnancies – stem from fractured families.  The family is the bedrock upon which every society is built, and our family structures need a lot of shoring up.

The premiere of the highly anticipated documentary ON MY OWN, which took place at ALOFT Harlem on Saturday, April 26, was well-attended, and included film participants, community leaders, media, and special guests.   ON MY OWN opens a refreshing dialogue that helps offset the onslaught of negative discourse about Black families in this country (for example, constant reminders from conservatives about family instability within the African American community). 

The panel discussion that followed the screening was filled with passionate comments and suggested solutions.  It was clear that everyone in attendance deeply cared about the Black family.  Veteran filmmaker Nicole Franklin said, “Rachel has such a sensitive touch with the subject matter.  The film presented multiple sides of this critical issue in a brave new light.  I suspect this film will be referenced for many years to come.”  

ON MY OWN is a sincere effort to get people in the Black community engaged in the fight to put our families back together again.  It underscores that major pro-fatherhood, pro-marriage, and co-parenting movements are ongoing, and need more community support and involvement.  Everyone – from legislators, fatherhood organizations, and black churches, to the general public must get involved and instill healthy family values in young African Americans.  If we all do our part and work diligently to fix our broken families, the positive results will be reflected in our children, our communities, future Census reports and eventually, perhaps even in Wikipedia.

Love and Hip Hop’s Mimi Faust is not the true representative of the black single mother

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

straightfromthea.com

Black social media is on fire right now!  The release of +VH1's super trailer has plenty of ratchet (slang word meaning outrageous ghetto behaviour) story lines. But the most disturbing story line is the degrading and unbelievable behaviour of single mother +Mimi Faust, who has gone from an entrepreneur to an adult entertainment star in a matter of months.  In the +VH1 trailer Mimi says while shedding plenty of rehearsed tears, during a +Vivid Entertainment meeting that “she has a daughter.”  Interesting statement since she should have remembered this before she let her current boyfriend Nikko, a struggling rapper, press record on the camera.

Let’s be clear Ms. Faust is a single mother due to her choice in men.  Her child’s father, formerly successful producer,  Stevie J, is most known for his own leaked sex tape with rapper/actor Eve.  Despite his antics Mimi’s been dating him for over 15 years and in this time he has fathered 5 children by several women.  Not to mention during the first season of the show it is revealed that he is sleeping with his artist, Joseline, who later reveals to Mimi that she is pregnant with his baby that she later aborts.  By the end of season 2 Mimi is no longer with Stevie J and hooks back up with Nikko, her ex boyfriend, whom many speculate is an opportunist.  That’s all but proven now.   Ironically, Mimi ridiculed Joseline for her stripper past but she is now married to Stevie J and has never stooped as low as to enter into the porn world.

The one person that loses out in this situation the most is Faust’s five-year old daughter who will soon be taunted about her mother's sex tape by her schoolmates and judged by educators who have the job of teaching her.   Mimi has sent a negative message to her daughter.  Her actions have taught her daughter that she can exploit her body for profit, have men denigrate her, and easy income trumps achieving academic success.  Faust, a woman in her 40s, has also taught her daughter that she is not worthy of marriage.  Faust comes from her own broken family.   Her mother abandoned her when she was 13 years old to dedicate herself to her religion.

Let’s be clear if Faust was married or professionally accomplished she would not be making sex tapes.  This single mother’s behaviour doesn’t help in eradicating negative images of black single mothers.  That’s for sure.  Faust is not the average black single mother.  In the documentary ON MY OWN, premiering the end of April, the three mothers featured struggled to get their college degrees, worked hard, and accomplished material gains the dignified way.  They are the faces of the average black single mother, not women like Mimi Faust, who many corporate media entities keep projecting out to viewers. 

The bottom line is this.  Young girls get their value from their fathers.  

As long as we continue to raise young girls in situations where their fathers are inactive in their lives, there will continue to be women like Mimi Faust with low self-worth.   These young girls grow up, start to date, and choose men that don’t have their best interest at heart.  The end result is more single mothers, who unless they get a parental intervention, continue the cycle by executing Mimi’s Faust mistakes with men in particular, and then the low self worth materializes in the daughters they raise.