Why Don't we focus our marriage ideologies on Young Black Men?
By Rachel
Miller-Bradshaw
 |
| blackbridalbliss.com |
From the time I turned 28 the pressure
was on for me to find a husband. People
would ask me if I had a boyfriend, and when I would say yes, they would get on
me to get that ring. When I turned 30
and was still single it was a state of emergency for my family and
friends. Many would tell me “get on it
soon while you’re still desirable.” All
of these statements started to get to me and it made bitter, anxious and quite
frankly depressed at times. I come from
a Guyanese-West African household where marriage was important, even a
dysfunctional one.
I understood how important the
institution of marriage is. I always knew that I wanted to be married. I
proclaimed that I would be some man’s wife. I got that marriage is important
and productive for family structure and wealth building.
The pressure made me aggressively
pursue marriage and I realized that I made “being married” to fit in line with
people’s opinions more important than who I was looking for to marry.
But there was another aspect to my
situation. I could not force or pay a man
to marry me- well maybe, pay, but why should an attractive, independent, good-natured woman have to do so. I was
holding my breath waiting for my future husband and I was able to exhale 3 years
ago when I met my husband, the love of my life, my best friend. I
remember a church member telling me “I was lucky to find a husband”; another
told me “I beat the statistic.” These
weren’t personal slights against me but it is just the reality of so many
women, professional or not, especially in the African American community.
I often wonder why the focus society
places on women to marry are not directed towards men. Women can’t marry if their male counterparts
are not willing. A man can enjoy his
single life well into his late thirties and be viewed as a catch. The community has to place more emphasis on
socializing young boys to desire to be husbands and family men. Music and television often glorifies a man’s
singledom. It’s perpetuated as being
cool. It is not cool to say I desire to
be a “husband.”
As parents we have to raise our boys to
prepare for marriage. We have to change our mindset to reflect a gender
balanced belief on when individuals should be married if we consensually adopt
this as a community. We have to make
them understand that women do have a biological clock and work on a different
time schedule. If we focus on commitment
with our boys they won’t fear it. In our
households we have to display happy marriages to leave a good impression on our
boys. If we can do this our boys and
girls will be on the same page and women won’t be the only ones answering the
dreaded questions about getting married.
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