Why Communities Must Encourage Black Fathers to Commit to Marriage

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

The Good Men Project

As the country gears up to commemorate fatherhood, this representation will mostly be in a traditional family fashion. Though we are living in a society that acknowledges various family structures, it is still conservative in promoting marriage. The commercials that will be airing will present men not only as fathers but husbands also. For the black community honoring its fathers, we should also praise black husbands that have committed legally, and for many, religiously, to the mothers.

In my household I was privileged to experience the importance of marriage through my parents. When I was 11 years old, my parents divorced and my sisters and I never had the same close relationship with my father. Though proximity played a major role in our distance, I believe my father’s commitment to us changed because his commitment to our mother was gone. It’s simple to say fathers should be committed to their children despite the relationship with the mother, but in reality many fathers don’t handle it that way.

According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, married fathers are more likely than unmarried fathers to parent their children. In my feature documentary On My Own, the mothers expressed their belief that the fathers would be parenting their children if they were married to them. It is notable that marriage still offers higher probability of stability than dating and cohabitation.

The community must band together in our advice and message to encourage our young men to be husbands. Marriage makes fatherhood easier when both the mother and father are parenting in the same house. Black fathers gain from the wealth building that the institution of marriage ensures. This is imperative if we desire to decrease the fatherlessness epidemic.

The greatest commitment black fathers can make to their children is showing their commitment to their wives. It is a beautiful display that lets children know that they are an extension of the union. Moving forward, we have to set the tone that this national appreciation day is just as much about marriage as it is about committed fatherhood. In the Black community this is an effective strategy that will help raise young black boys into great men and fathers.

Why Don't we focus our marriage ideologies on Young Black Men?

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

blackbridalbliss.com

From the time I turned 28 the pressure was on for me to find a husband.  People would ask me if I had a boyfriend, and when I would say yes, they would get on me to get that ring.  When I turned 30 and was still single it was a state of emergency for my family and friends.  Many would tell me “get on it soon while you’re still desirable.”  All of these statements started to get to me and it made bitter, anxious and quite frankly depressed at times.  I come from a Guyanese-West African household where marriage was important, even a dysfunctional one. 

I understood how important the institution of marriage is. I always knew that I wanted to be married. I proclaimed that I would be some man’s wife. I got that marriage is important and productive for family structure and wealth building.

The pressure made me aggressively pursue marriage and I realized that I made “being married” to fit in line with people’s opinions more important than who I was looking for to marry.

But there was another aspect to my situation.  I could not force or pay a man to marry me- well maybe, pay, but why should an attractive, independent, good-natured woman have to do so.  I was holding my breath waiting for my future husband and I was able to exhale 3 years ago when I met my husband, the love of my life, my best friend.   I remember a church member telling me “I was lucky to find a husband”; another told me “I beat the statistic.”  These weren’t personal slights against me but it is just the reality of so many women, professional or not, especially in the African American community.

I often wonder why the focus society places on women to marry are not directed towards men.  Women can’t marry if their male counterparts are not willing.  A man can enjoy his single life well into his late thirties and be viewed as a catch.  The community has to place more emphasis on socializing young boys to desire to be husbands and family men.  Music and television often glorifies a man’s singledom.  It’s perpetuated as being cool.  It is not cool to say I desire to be a “husband.”

As parents we have to raise our boys to prepare for marriage. We have to change our mindset to reflect a gender balanced belief on when individuals should be married if we consensually adopt this as a community.  We have to make them understand that women do have a biological clock and work on a different time schedule.  If we focus on commitment with our boys they won’t fear it.  In our households we have to display happy marriages to leave a good impression on our boys.  If we can do this our boys and girls will be on the same page and women won’t be the only ones answering the dreaded questions about getting married.

ON MY OWN Film Premiere Shows a Passion for Repairing the Black Family

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

 

The Black family in America has become a matriarchal structure, and is doomed to stay that way.  So warns Wikipedia, and while not everything Wikipedia says is true, there is more than a modicum of truth in this declaration.  A large proportion of Black mothers and expectant mothers simply accept as fact that they will raise their children alone.  And many Black fathers have sadly been conditioned to believe they are not needed in the home because Black women are strong enough to raise their families by themselves.

During the past decade it has become increasingly clear within the Black community that many of its problems – everything from crime, to substance abuse, to teen pregnancies – stem from fractured families.  The family is the bedrock upon which every society is built, and our family structures need a lot of shoring up.

The premiere of the highly anticipated documentary ON MY OWN, which took place at ALOFT Harlem on Saturday, April 26, was well-attended, and included film participants, community leaders, media, and special guests.   ON MY OWN opens a refreshing dialogue that helps offset the onslaught of negative discourse about Black families in this country (for example, constant reminders from conservatives about family instability within the African American community). 

The panel discussion that followed the screening was filled with passionate comments and suggested solutions.  It was clear that everyone in attendance deeply cared about the Black family.  Veteran filmmaker Nicole Franklin said, “Rachel has such a sensitive touch with the subject matter.  The film presented multiple sides of this critical issue in a brave new light.  I suspect this film will be referenced for many years to come.”  

ON MY OWN is a sincere effort to get people in the Black community engaged in the fight to put our families back together again.  It underscores that major pro-fatherhood, pro-marriage, and co-parenting movements are ongoing, and need more community support and involvement.  Everyone – from legislators, fatherhood organizations, and black churches, to the general public must get involved and instill healthy family values in young African Americans.  If we all do our part and work diligently to fix our broken families, the positive results will be reflected in our children, our communities, future Census reports and eventually, perhaps even in Wikipedia.

Love and Hip Hop’s Mimi Faust is not the true representative of the black single mother

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

straightfromthea.com

Black social media is on fire right now!  The release of +VH1's super trailer has plenty of ratchet (slang word meaning outrageous ghetto behaviour) story lines. But the most disturbing story line is the degrading and unbelievable behaviour of single mother +Mimi Faust, who has gone from an entrepreneur to an adult entertainment star in a matter of months.  In the +VH1 trailer Mimi says while shedding plenty of rehearsed tears, during a +Vivid Entertainment meeting that “she has a daughter.”  Interesting statement since she should have remembered this before she let her current boyfriend Nikko, a struggling rapper, press record on the camera.

Let’s be clear Ms. Faust is a single mother due to her choice in men.  Her child’s father, formerly successful producer,  Stevie J, is most known for his own leaked sex tape with rapper/actor Eve.  Despite his antics Mimi’s been dating him for over 15 years and in this time he has fathered 5 children by several women.  Not to mention during the first season of the show it is revealed that he is sleeping with his artist, Joseline, who later reveals to Mimi that she is pregnant with his baby that she later aborts.  By the end of season 2 Mimi is no longer with Stevie J and hooks back up with Nikko, her ex boyfriend, whom many speculate is an opportunist.  That’s all but proven now.   Ironically, Mimi ridiculed Joseline for her stripper past but she is now married to Stevie J and has never stooped as low as to enter into the porn world.

The one person that loses out in this situation the most is Faust’s five-year old daughter who will soon be taunted about her mother's sex tape by her schoolmates and judged by educators who have the job of teaching her.   Mimi has sent a negative message to her daughter.  Her actions have taught her daughter that she can exploit her body for profit, have men denigrate her, and easy income trumps achieving academic success.  Faust, a woman in her 40s, has also taught her daughter that she is not worthy of marriage.  Faust comes from her own broken family.   Her mother abandoned her when she was 13 years old to dedicate herself to her religion.

Let’s be clear if Faust was married or professionally accomplished she would not be making sex tapes.  This single mother’s behaviour doesn’t help in eradicating negative images of black single mothers.  That’s for sure.  Faust is not the average black single mother.  In the documentary ON MY OWN, premiering the end of April, the three mothers featured struggled to get their college degrees, worked hard, and accomplished material gains the dignified way.  They are the faces of the average black single mother, not women like Mimi Faust, who many corporate media entities keep projecting out to viewers. 

The bottom line is this.  Young girls get their value from their fathers.  

As long as we continue to raise young girls in situations where their fathers are inactive in their lives, there will continue to be women like Mimi Faust with low self-worth.   These young girls grow up, start to date, and choose men that don’t have their best interest at heart.  The end result is more single mothers, who unless they get a parental intervention, continue the cycle by executing Mimi’s Faust mistakes with men in particular, and then the low self worth materializes in the daughters they raise.

Black Women Opting out of early motherhood will help with stabilizing the Black Family

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

blackhealthywoman.com

In the early 90s young black women would rush like it was their duty to birth children in their late teens or early twenties.   Many African American women were socialized to value the mothering role above anything else.  Times have changed and women of other cultures are focusing more on their careers and enjoying their lives.  However for black women the mindset of early motherhood still lingers. 

According to the National Fatherhood Initiative 60% of non marital births are to women in their twenties.  70% of African American women between the ages of 25-29 have never been married.  These two statistics indicates something quite telling, and reveals what could be one major solution to the high percentage of single parent, female-headed households, a rising epidemic in the Black community. If black women could engage in responsible and thoughtful dating, using contraception and practice abstinence till age 30 the number of out of wedlock black births will decrease.

The current economic instability and the many social issues affecting black males in particular, such as high unemployment, mass incarceration, and significant high school dropouts’ rates, have all affected the number of eligible mates available to black women. Most of the black males affected by the aforementioned issues don’t regain their footing until their thirties and forties.  Also men are socialized to believe that their primary role is to provide financially for their families and most will refrain from marrying until they feel they can support a family.  Research also proves that married fathers are more likely than unmarried fathers to parent their children. 

These aforementioned cause and their effects on black males suggests that black women may want to give their black male counterparts time to catch up.  There is also a maturity and psychological element to this discussion that must not be omitted.  Young women in their twenties are still trying to find themselves and figure out who they are and their purpose in life.  This is a journey one must figure out alone before marrying, which could arguably be the most important decision of one’s life.  People in their thirties are more stable emotionally and financially and are more mature in handling interacting with a spouse and children on a daily basis.  Other cultures seem to understand this and don’t subscribe to the “I still want to be young when my children are in their twenties” mentality that really has contributed to the black community’s issues, specifically high non marital births for women in their twenties.

In their 30s African American women are better equipped with a higher likelihood of marriage, financial stability, and youth now coupled with some experience will guarantee higher successes of accomplishing traditional family structures.   It’s a win-win situation. Black women can still continue to value the “mother” role while also valuing the “wife” role, and even the “career woman” role.

Why Marriage is the Ultimate Commitment Partners Can Make to Each Other

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

Marriage is more than a piece of paper.  Let me repeat that statement.  Marriage is more than a piece of paper!  Depending on your religious convictions, it is a prerequisite to marry before starting a family.  Putting religious beliefs aside, the institution itself is encouraged in our society through tax incentives, retirement compensation, and benefits.  Spouses or parents are the only ones who can make health and legal decisions for incapacitated people.   An episode of the reality show Love & Hip Hop in which Mendecees Harris’ attorney reminded Yandy Smith that he couldn’t disclose much information about her fiancée and son’s father because they aren’t yet married, painfully reminded viewers that many benefits are exclusively for married couples.

In the African American community, marriage for various reasons, including negative socialization and economics is not valued as it is in other racial and ethnic groups.  Studies have shown that this has played a major role in the current epidemic of broken black families and the disproportionate amount of single mother homes in the Black community.  Black women must establish early in a relationship that marriage is their goal.  According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, a pro-fatherhood organization, married fathers are more likely than unmarried fathers to remain in the household.  When most men marry their thinking psychologically and morally shifts to a family mindset versus a single man mindset when in happy and healthy marriages.

African Americans have to feel that they are capable of functioning productively in a marriage which begins with a change in the mindset.  African Americans must also stop pointing to the 50% divorce rate and referring to their few experiences with dysfunctional marriages as indicators that theirs is destined for failure.  For black women in particular, these reasons should stop being used as excuses after unsuccessfully attempting to get boyfriends or the fathers of their children to marry them.

Ideally, marriage brings a sense of eternal partnership and belonging.  It makes you feel like you have someone going through this crazy thing called life with you.  The studies show that people are healthier and happier in good marriages.   It’s also the best visual a parent can give their child when teaching family values.  They will learn what they are supposed to do by just seeing their married parents interact.   Let’s encourage marriage in our community and set this standard of expectance and follow through when dating.

Why Fathers Leave

By Rachel Miller-Bradshaw

washingtonpost.com 

There is no acceptable excuse for able-bodied men to shirk the financial responsibilities for children and leave the burden solely on their mothers.  And the label “Deadbeat Dad” is hung justifiably as a badge of shame around the necks of such irresponsible fathers.   It is well established that children are better off psychologically, socially and morally when both parents are present in the home to provide nurture, education and security, and our society promotes the ideal that a family should include a mother and father.  

In the documentary ON MY OWN, scheduled for release in April, former NBA star Allan Houston, founder of the Legacy Foundation, discusses how his father’s teaching gave him “the mental capacity to work, to not quit,” which he says made a big difference in his life.

National statistics on absentee fathers are shocking, but nowhere are the numbers more alarming than in African American communities.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 70% of black children live in a home without a father.  What might be referred to as a “fatherlessness epidemic” has long been raging out of control in these communities.   The problem is overwhelming and widespread, and while analyzing the great migration of these fathers away from their households may be a useful academic exercise, the problem needs a lot more than just research and discussions; well thought-out strategies and workable solutions are mandatory, but sadly they are either in short supply or non-existent.

A New York Times article entitled U.S. Women on the Rise as Family Breadwinner (May 29, 2013) discussed how women with children under the age of 18 are either the sole or primary breadwinners slightly more than 40% of the time.  Men are socialized to derive their sense of self-worth from providing for their families, as opposed to teaching values and giving time to them (the mother’s traditional role).  This is an even greater issue among African Americans, where men face higher levels of unemployment and disenfranchisement due to institutionalized discrimination and criminal convictions. 

ON MY OWN also presents Scott Leach, formerly of the Forestdale Fatherhood Initiative and now the founder of Daddy’s Toolbox, Inc., who reminds fathers that “their worth is not in their wallet.”  Some men choose to remove themselves [from the household] when tensions develop over their inability to contribute financially.  Leach notes that when sole financial responsibility falls on the mother, even though the father is present in the home, it can be “very taxing on a marriage or relationship,” especially in a society that aggressively promotes on-time bill paying and the acquisition of material possessions.

The problem of absent Black fathers is deeply rooted in American history.  African men, forcibly transplanted to these shores, were not socialized here for traditional fathering roles due to a practice by slave owners in which these men were used as “bucks,” reproducing with various women, after which they were removed from the home.  Although this practice is 150 years removed, it is believed still to be a strong factor in the condition of fatherlessness in the Black community.  This long-entrenched behavioral pattern, combined with excessively high unemployment rates, help legitimate family abandonment by Black men.  As an example, in the 1950s and ‘60s, inner-city factory jobs were mostly filled by low-skilled Black male workers.  When these jobs were outsourced, many of these men moved on without their families, and there was a corresponding increase in the number of Black women who became single mothers and applied for welfare benefits.

At a time when greater numbers of women are graduating from college, opening more businesses, and filling workforce vacancies at higher percentages than men  (that is, when woman are encroaching on turf that had once been largely the exclusive domain of men), there has emerged a movement that is trying to help redefine what it means to be a father.  This fatherhood initiative is attempting to boost the morale of fathers, address the way society judges men, and inspire women to encourage men, and to be empathetic to them as they confront this period of role reorganization.   These fatherhood organizations are actively trying to promote this new definition of fatherhood.  

And the government has a role, too.  President Obama’s much publicized “My Brother’s Keeper” program – an effort to help young men of color succeed as long as they are willing to do their part and work hard – has the potential to bring about positive change by helping men who might otherwise abandon their families “reach their full potential, contribute to their communities and build decent lives for themselves and their families.”  All of which are important stepping stones on the path to alleviating the “fatherlessness epidemic” that has become the scourge of the Black family in America.